Today is one of those days, where I stop and think "What else could go wrong?"
I remember only once in my life when my mother asked, "What else can possibly go wrong?" With in hours, my father passed away. Since then it has never been a phrase to be heard in our household. I am aware of the dangers in asking what else can happen, or what else can go wrong...and yet...
No job? check
No income?check
No social life? check
Infinite bills?check
Phone finally shut off due to non payment?check
"Brother"(long time friend who I claim as my baby brother) in town and feeling more than familial love towards me? check
I am a hot mess, with no direction and no hope in sight! So with stresses piling up on my plate, life getting me down, and the panicked feeling it is not even close to getting better.....I cry, kick and scream, yell at God, shut Him out, then begin again. I know I need to calm down, gain a bit of perspective and move forward....I KNOW THIS; yet, all I can seem to do is pity myself and worry about tomorrow.
I fear that I will not come out on top, that I will fail. I fear that I will lose a great man as a friend, that I will fail him in his time of need. I fear that I won't have the finances to pay my bills and get caught up, or to feed my dog, or take care of my health. I fear I have no worth, and that I am lacking a forward momentum in my future. I fear that I will never spiritually make it, that God looks at me and simply sees a mistake...a person He should never have bet on. Because in the end, I am nothing more than a screw up and a waste of space. No matter how I try, I fail. I fail at friendships, romances, academics, finances, aspirations, passions, spirituality. I fail at life.
