fears and tears

Today is one of those days, where I stop and think "What else could go wrong?"
I remember only once in my life when my mother asked, "What else can possibly go wrong?" With in hours, my father passed away. Since then it has never been a phrase to be heard in our household. I am aware of the dangers in asking what else can happen, or what else can go wrong...and yet...
No job? check
No income?check
No social life? check
Infinite bills?check
Phone finally shut off due to non payment?check
"Brother"(long time friend who I claim as my baby brother) in town and feeling more than familial love towards me? check

I am a hot mess, with no direction and no hope in sight! So with stresses piling up on my plate, life getting me down, and the panicked feeling it is not even close to getting better.....I cry, kick and scream, yell at God, shut Him out, then begin again. I know I need to calm down, gain a bit of perspective and move forward....I KNOW THIS; yet, all I can seem to do is pity myself and worry about tomorrow.

I fear that I will not come out on top, that I will fail. I fear that I will lose a great man as a friend, that I will fail him in his time of need. I fear that I won't have the finances to pay my bills and get caught up, or to feed my dog, or take care of my health. I fear I have no worth, and that I am lacking a forward momentum in my future. I fear that I will never spiritually make it, that God looks at me and simply sees a mistake...a person He should never have bet on. Because in the end, I am nothing more than a screw up and a waste of space. No matter how I try, I fail. I fail at friendships, romances, academics, finances, aspirations, passions, spirituality. I fail at life.

Books, barriers and babies...

Have you ever had one of those days where you not only WANT to cry, but you know you NEED to cry? Today, is one such day for me. I have been needing to cry for several days, perhaps even longer...I've lost all sense of time really. That seems to happen when I don't have set, daily obligations.
I Finished the final book in The Hunger Games trilogy. It was a good series. I rather enjoyed it, lost myself in the story and escaped reality for hours...but unfortunately I am done. each book drew out my emotions. I laughed, feared, cried, and felt rage...But I wasn't able to really let loose and cry, I mean really cry. You know those tears, that roll down your cheeks, can't catch your breath, or focus your thoughts kind of cry? I need one of those, and all I have managed are a few escaped tears...I even pulled out pictures, and journals of a happier time...I looked through pictures of me and my past loves, I looked at pictures of me with my pregnant belly, I looked at pictures of gleeful childhood days. each picture with a warm smile that shows I am happy, safe, and loved....almost carefree. Instead of breaking my impenetrable barrier and making me cry, it reinforced the wall around my heart and mind shutting all emotions out, except anger. I was absolutely livid, that my "once upon a time" didn't end in happily ever after....instead it is still being written, with a dreary day to day monotony, that I don't know how to change.
It seems as the days go on, I become even more distant to the people that I call friends. Even today, Angie, was getting me to open up and talk. I felt crazy, exposed, and vulnerable. I quickly got defensive and ended the conversation.
Now at just after 6pm, I am looking for a way to cry. i have tried books, pictures, music, talking to people who make me feel bad about myself, talking to people who make me smile and want to be a better person, sitting alone and thinking, and writing......i am out of crying ideas. Aside from inflicting physical pain on myself  so that I can feel something, anything to make the tears flow.
Oh well, maybe tomorrow will bring the rush of tears and the emotional release i desperately desire.
Blue skies are just around the corner, I know it.

Poem by: Iyanla Vanzant

Yesterday I Cried

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I came home, went straight to my room,
sat on the edge of my bed,
kicked off my shoes,
unhooked my bra,
and I had myself a good cry. I'm telling you,
I cried until my nose was running all over
the silk blouse I got on sale.
I cried until my ears were hot.
I cried until my head was hurting so bad
that I could hardly see the pile of
soiled tissues lying on the floor at my feet.
I want you to understand,
I had myself a really good cry yesterday.
Yesterday, I cried,
for all the days that I was too busy,
or too tired,
or too mad to cry.
I cried for all the days, and all the ways,
and all the times I had dishonored,
disrespected, and
disconnected my Self from myself,
only to have it reflected back to me
in the ways others did to me
the same things I had already done to myself.
I cried for all the things I had given,
only to have them stolen;
for all the things I had asked for that
had yet to show up;
for all the things I had accomplished,
only to give them away,
to people in circumstances,
which left me feeling empty,
and battered and plain old used.
I cried because there really does
come a time when the only thing left
for you to do is cry.
Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because little boys get
left by their daddies;
and little girls get forgotten by their mommies;
and daddies don't know what to do, so they leave;
and mommies get left, so they get mad.
I cried because I had a little boy,
and because I was a little girl,
and because I was a mommy
who didn't know what to do,
and because I wanted my daddy to be there
for me so badly until I ached.
Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because I hurt.
I cried because I was hurt.
I cried because hurt has no place to go
except deeper into the pain that
caused it in the first place,
and when it gets there,
the hurt wakes you up.
I cried because it was too late.
I cried because it was time.
I cried because my soul knew that I didn't know
that my soul knew everything I needed to know.
I cried a soulful cry yesterday,
and it felt so good.
It felt so very, very bad.
In the midst of my crying,
I felt my freedom coming,
Because Yesterday,
I cried with an agenda.