Have you ever had one of those days where you not only WANT to cry, but you know you NEED to cry? Today, is one such day for me. I have been needing to cry for several days, perhaps even longer...I've lost all sense of time really. That seems to happen when I don't have set, daily obligations.
I Finished the final book in The Hunger Games trilogy. It was a good series. I rather enjoyed it, lost myself in the story and escaped reality for hours...but unfortunately I am done. each book drew out my emotions. I laughed, feared, cried, and felt rage...But I wasn't able to really let loose and cry, I mean really cry. You know those tears, that roll down your cheeks, can't catch your breath, or focus your thoughts kind of cry? I need one of those, and all I have managed are a few escaped tears...I even pulled out pictures, and journals of a happier time...I looked through pictures of me and my past loves, I looked at pictures of me with my pregnant belly, I looked at pictures of gleeful childhood days. each picture with a warm smile that shows I am happy, safe, and loved....almost carefree. Instead of breaking my impenetrable barrier and making me cry, it reinforced the wall around my heart and mind shutting all emotions out, except anger. I was absolutely livid, that my "once upon a time" didn't end in happily ever after....instead it is still being written, with a dreary day to day monotony, that I don't know how to change.
It seems as the days go on, I become even more distant to the people that I call friends. Even today, Angie, was getting me to open up and talk. I felt crazy, exposed, and vulnerable. I quickly got defensive and ended the conversation.
Now at just after 6pm, I am looking for a way to cry. i have tried books, pictures, music, talking to people who make me feel bad about myself, talking to people who make me smile and want to be a better person, sitting alone and thinking, and writing......i am out of crying ideas. Aside from inflicting physical pain on myself so that I can feel something, anything to make the tears flow.
Oh well, maybe tomorrow will bring the rush of tears and the emotional release i desperately desire.
Blue skies are just around the corner, I know it.
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